Just For Laughs:

If there is one thing you can say about the Barnes family is no matter whether it is 1812, 1912 or 2012 they like a good joke - or even a bad one! Here are a selection of jokes, cartoons and images - some to make you laugh and some sure to make you groan!  Many thanks to all those friends; especially Steve Mecham, my family; in particular cousin Colin, and John Gillis of the U49'ers Association for the content on this page.
 
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and  write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! 
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. 
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers."
Emily said, "I know they do.  That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
 
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" says the second Irishman.

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died...”
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all  his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied,  "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Vigra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked  about using one of the pills.  The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. A pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" 
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"... Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home!! PLEASE MAMA !"

"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

 "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: "DUST, WASH , IRON, and COOK...

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother.
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered fo Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.  But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'
 
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to   Church Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Jesus lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!!

You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatable's……..I gotta lilo.
 
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked.

I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.


An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.

The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
 
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, I've got some bad news, some good news and some possibly good news. The bad news is your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead".

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,
so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.




A Divorce Court judge said to the husband, "Mr Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your ex-wife £800 a week"

"That's very fair, your Honour," he replied. "And every now and again I'll try to send her a few quid myself".
 
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin’ trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
 
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her  husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept  over and two claimed that he was still there.

The buzz word in today's workplace is marketing, here's a few easy ways to describe it :-

You're a Woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.


You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.


You see a guy at a party and you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.


You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.


Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.

That's Tech Support.


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.


You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass.

That's Arnold Scwarzenegger, the Governor of California.


You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.

That's America
An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies: 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom -poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my...!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!'

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He
tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists
on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back,

'And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Creative Puns for  Educated Minds

1.The roundest knight  at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too  much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor  on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian  ..

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he  loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol  was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math  disruption.

5. The butcher backed into  the meat grinder and got a little behind in his  work.

6. No matter how much you push the  envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A  dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for  littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a  kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies  like an arrow. Fruit flies like a  banana.

11. A hole has been found in the  nudist camp wall. The police are looking into  it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet  organization.

13. Two hats were hanging  on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here,  I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why  the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit  me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug  rehab centre said, 'Keep off the  Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some  coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to  ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change  yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is  poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the  man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do  it.

19. The short fortune-teller who  escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived  mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes  inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote  that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a  missionary, they got a taste of  religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults:  Practice safe sects!


Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.  Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'  Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?' 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.' 

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.' 

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny gets five bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.' 

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?' 

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

If you get an e-mail from the Dept of Environmental Health about swine flu, telling you not to eat tinned pork, ignore it, it's just spam.
 
A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
  
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'  As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
 
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

 ' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.

 'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.

 The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

 'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'
 
 'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,

 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

Next!'
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...
FASTER...

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP ...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.   His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops
A man was laying in the hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. He is heavily sedated after a complex hour surgical procedure. A nurse arrives to check his pulse and temperature and to make him comfortable.

"Nurse" he mumbles though the sedative and the oxygen mask "are my testicles black"

"I'm sorry, I don't know. I'm just here to check that you are OK" she replied.

The patient struggles to repeat himself  "Are my testicles black?". Worried that his anxiety may be bad for him in such a delicate state the nurse says that she will check. Gingerly she lifts the bed sheet and peers downwards. Lifting the surgical gown she holds his penis in one hand and slowly raises and checks his testicles with the other.

"Oh, they're fine Sir. Just fine !"

The patient smiles and slowly removes the oxygen mask. Taking great care to pronounce the words clearly the patient says

"Thank you, that was very good of you". "But please listen closely". "Are my TEST RESULTS BACK? "
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, 'Homepride All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.  
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home. 
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught  playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her  appendix out!"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed  him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits..
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

 How could anyone stoop so low?
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.  

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"  

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

 "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus cars in the garage and no more yacht club.  But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies. 
The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,... the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table with a single rose...
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast,  hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.  Jack asks, 'What happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table.?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
 
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4. 20
Two Aspirins $. 38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of  snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time.
An older man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young women at his side.

 He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his  girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No; I'd like to see something more special'.

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring out. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said. 
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated.

'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!' 
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,” Could you hold my camel?"  
 
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we  will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never  suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'" Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
 
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
 
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
 
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
 
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?" 
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
 
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
 
A student at an English university, by the name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year.
 
After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.
 
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
 
"Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible noisy people!  The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall all night long and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"
 
"Oh, Donald!  How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
 
"Mother, I do nothing.  I just ignore them!  I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!" 
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." 

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy. 

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. 

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." 

"Really? You got a new laptop?"
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.  He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.  Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to  realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.  He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.  Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.
 
FBI job opening
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
 
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill Her !!"
 
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
 
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
 
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
 
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "Some idiot loaded this gun with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude had a stroke. But Tilly, being older & more feeble. . . . .couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart.
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About
2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the
shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the
shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves
here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!
 
Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."
Prison versus Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from  within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter  with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter  said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.  The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'          

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four
months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on  the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
 
 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to  process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with  no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday  someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I  had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over  for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with,  have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other  workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few  dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which  they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the  dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from  the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the  letter was opened.    It read:

Dear God,    
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner  for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your  wonderful Gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna
Bill worked in a pickle factory.   He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.  

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

 'Yes, sor!' answers Murphy.   The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

'So, Murphy, how was your day?'  
 
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.' 

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sor' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.

'Sor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in, so she does. Like bolt outta da blue, she tors off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'' 

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did ye do?' asks the doctor.     

 'I put drops in her eyes!'
 
An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truck driver says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'  'I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the truck driver reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truck driver, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truck driver sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
 Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes  across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.  When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says, and in they go. Joe is shocked.

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.  No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her Mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks to himself. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:  'All right, that's enough. I'll do the dishes!'
 
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
 castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly
 
A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under 'Escorts and Massages'. He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind...So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call. 'Hello?' the woman says.

God she sounded sexy!  'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.'
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find  Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? Normally $65 they are on special this hour for $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced  tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want  to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that'. 'If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.' 

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. 'Your brother won't let me in without a tie.'
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. '

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't  ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and  said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
 Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their trolleys around a large DIY superstore when they collide.

The old  guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The  young guy says, 'That's OK.  It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little  desperate.'

The old  guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife  look like?'

The  young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight  white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look  like?'

The old  guy says, 'Doesn't matter ? let's look for  yours.'
While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with no referendum on the European Constitution and the master strokes with Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --  but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
SEX ON MARS
 
The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. 'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 
 
'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?' 
 
Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!' 
 
 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 
 
'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...' 
 
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. 
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 
 
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. 
 
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 
 
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was damn good. How about you?' 
 
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a  headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
 
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. 'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.'
3 Women..........

One engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress said, 'Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night.'

The married one said, 'The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said:

'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?'
A man married 25 years took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

But his wife was a very reasonable woman.

She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the  human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said  they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'


 

For LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
15. A calendar's days are numbered.
 FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from  time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't  lie to you.

 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes  to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each  other.
 
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
 
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, but my wife did.”
 
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"
 
EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "
 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new  wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Canada, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

John had married a woman from England. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything.

But by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
 
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
 
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
 
"I ended up with an older woman at a club the other night. She looked OK for a 57 -year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was going to be 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?"
 
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Frank , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!' 
 

 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a  human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
 
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.  Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not .Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. 
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, Good, or even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This explains why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.  It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
 
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.  
Officer: Can I see your license please??
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one??
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not??
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it??
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what??
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see ?
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir??
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner??
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? ?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.  The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
Queensland Country Petrol Station

A petrol station in country Queensland was trying to increase its  sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with  Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then  asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from  1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.  The  number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."  

A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey,  pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The  proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess  the correct number.  The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said,  "Sorry, it was 4.  You were close, but no free sex this time."  

As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think  that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."  

Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus  won twice last week."
A couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex  together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the  back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes,' she says, 'I remember it well.'
'Ok,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!'

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching, thinks, 'This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

The old man says, 'Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence'
 
BEST PICK UP LINE I EVER HEARD

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?" "What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
 
Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
 
RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary "Somewhere I haven't been  in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.  She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"  The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember:  Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11.  I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did  ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?  Can ye not  understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute....'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a  disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this  luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million Savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition  convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff,  Sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
 
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
   
The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
 
The guy obeys and says 99. The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99. Again, the guy does as he is told, turns over and while being examined says 99. The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to have to hold on to your penis."

The Doctor takes hold of the guys penis and says, "Now take a deep breath and say 99."
 
The guy begins, "One...Two...Three..."
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place !!! these are great !!

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th
Q. What year?
A. Every year.

Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci Sweats and Reeboks

Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what way does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q. How old is your son? The one living with you?
A. 38 or 35 I can't remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. 45 years.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A. He said where am I, Cathy?
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.

Q. Do you know if your daughter has even been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A. We both do.
Q. Voodoo?
A. We do.
Q. You do?
A. Yes, Voodoo.

Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q. The youngest son, the twenty two year old, how old is he?

Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?

Q. She had 3 children, right?
A. Yes
Q. How many were boys?
A. None
Q. Were there any girls?

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this male, or a female?

Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q. All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A. Oral

Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started at around 8.30pm
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at that time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine example?

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No
Q. How can you be sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment."
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
 
After long months of cold & winter, we are finally coming up to summer & BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, & makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils & sauces, & takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.  

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.  

More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates & cutlery.
 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her & asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.   Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL & HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces & brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table & does the dishes.  

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN & THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....    
 
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" 

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on  very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" 

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
 
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like......night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of  jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow .
 
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife.
You will understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset -  I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband
 I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the Assistant Tennis Coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful business man who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same  situation, there is one mathematical difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
 
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.    

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!   

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable.  It's the best feel-good food around! !

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO , What a Ride!"
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
Why men don't write advice columns:

Dear Bert:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Uisk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Bert
An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £ 40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said,  "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated: "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,”

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man with the news:" There's no money in your account." 

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend…” 
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She had begun her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the very first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang ...

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that  she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realised that she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. so she decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate torte - complimentary from the last shop.  She was jubilant! Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She caught up with the doctor who had called her and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman felt so guilty that she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
An elderly man walks into a confessional - the following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
 Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
 Man: "What sins?"
 Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
 Man: "I'm Jewish."
 Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
 Man: "I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody."
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

8. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

10. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of  them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

11.There was the person who sent several different puns to friends in the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day  to discuss their options.  One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, & one was a homosexual.  

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return  trip
to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music & smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whisky.  No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt  lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain Smoker & said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You not from around here, hey bro?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."The bartender says, "What do you do in Cenada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.

"The bartender grins and yells, He's okay boys. He's one of us hey."
A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." says the owner.

"Ten dollars? Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that stuff!"
 
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with  this see-through blouse on and no bra.  

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The  teenager tells her "Loosen  up Grams. These are modern times.  You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.  

The teenager explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....  

The  grandmother says, "Loosen  up, Sweetie.   If you can show off your rose buds, then  I can display my hanging baskets.
 
A young Chinese couple gets married.

She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers. "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten". "I pomise you", "I give you anyting you want", "I do anyting- juss anyting you want". "You juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegable?"
 
A young Blonde goes to her local Pet Store in search of an exotic  pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live  Frogs.
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!  Comes with complete instructions."

The Blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching  her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,  "I'll take one."

As the man packages the Frog, he quietly says to her, "Just  follow the instructions." The Blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.  
As  soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:
    1. Take a shower.
    2. Splash on some nice perfume.
    3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
    4. Crawl into bed and place the Frog down beside you and allow the Frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the Frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The Blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the Pet Store."

So, the Blonde calls the Pet Store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The Blonde  welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions, but the damn Frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the Frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me!  I'm only going to show you how to do this one  more time!"
 
 A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports  and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The policewoman asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and got progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
 
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did  a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly," Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'
 
I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. 

Fortunately, I got the first punch in, and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky
 
 A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" 

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" 

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble." 

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky b*****d to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen..."
Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house at the end of our street. The extended family that live there is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All the kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?  
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
 
 A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

 Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the US. The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

 Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

 Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

 "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

 "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."
 
A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 25 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
 
Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
 
The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
 
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her  off  here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
 
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their  waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
 
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
 
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.  The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
 
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just  walked in the door".
 
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy  room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot  reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt:  Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."
 
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
 
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will  I get away with it?"
 
A man wakes up in Accident & Emergency and the doctor asks him if he remembers what happened.

"My wife and I were playing golf when she lost her ball after it hit a cow in the adjacent field. I went and lifted the cow's tail and saw the ball lodged in the cow's backside".

 I shouted to my wife, "This looks like yours and that's the last thing I remember".
 
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything is fine, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this. 'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're having a new kitchen.
   
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."  
 

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.  Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.  He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?  Just one more time before I die."  She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed  and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
 

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one  wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it  wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with  his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened  to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all  night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the Morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, man, what happened to  you? You look awful!
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and  bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said,  "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and  tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me  all night long."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,  I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man . "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."
 

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year.

"The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.

"The husband looked at his wife and said, "Ask him if it was with the same cow every time."

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell.

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?

" 4 months vacation and five good leads."
 

DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE

Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Tesco's anymore either."
 

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."
 

A priest was seated next to a Queenslander on a flight to Canberra After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Queenslander asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."



The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business for 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business for 60 years".

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 

1.Two women walked into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - ".....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his Bum. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " ' Is it common ? ' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet." My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him ?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? ...Because he's cross-eyed ?" "No, because he's really heavy

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu ? Personally I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


Why the Italians sell more cars than the Koreans.


A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said,

"I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

 "For fifteen years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
 

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: "Miles, from Dublin."
 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.  The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the  area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold,

Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.  Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. Whilst swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.  He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", was the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. 

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and
I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..." I've found Cod. I'm a "Prawn again Christian!"
 
SWEDISH FOOTBALL FAN PARAGUAY FOOTBALL FAN
POLISH FOOTBALL FAN PORTUGUESE FOOTBALL FAN
DUTCH  FOOTBALL FAN ENGLISH FOOTBALL FAN
 
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart,time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed
the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month."
 


Zulu scientists ..............

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:

"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Sowetan newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Zulu scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."
 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those  clocks"?
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie- Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie- Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".

"Oh", said the man, "whose clock is that"?
" That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie".
"Incredible", said the man. And whose clock is that one"?  

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life".
"Where's Bush's clock", asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry,"  the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!  "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."
 

A man walked into the groceries section of a Bristol Supermarket and asked for half a lettuce. The boy working on the shelves as a stacker told him that they only sold whole lettuces. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about this matter.

Walking into the stockroom, the boy called to the manager "Some twonk wants to buy half a lettuce". As he finished his sentence, the boy turned to find the man was standing right behind him, so he added "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Wales, sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Wales?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and Rugby players there."
"Really," said the manager "My wife is from Wales!"
The boy replied "No kidding, what position did she play?
 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
 
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
 
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first." Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
 
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and very deliberately and painfully says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
 stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours' would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
 

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!
 

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through  the air, under the sea.   The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.  The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.  It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel.    There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and so detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the thing about half an hour ago!"
 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just  like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger! .. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow ..."
 

In the beginning , God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then , neither God nor Man has rested.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.  Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.  One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"  "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" 

She replied,   "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."  
 

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."  With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it a and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,  I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,  Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
   

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
 breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football.  He is suitably impressed and arranges for the Iraqi lad to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.  The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won the match. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about MY day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your damned fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place.  
 
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: In Saith Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in Straaaaalia we have so much sand to make the glasses, that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: In London we have so many South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice"
 

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. .

"Ah, Pierre," asks one " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

 "I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!".

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five eet. It is beneass my dignity."

 "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,and 'e said "Jump!".

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump ten feet."

 "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground.

'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.".

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

 "A leetle bit, at ze beginning." 
  

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis  to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put  into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a  container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't  have worms!"  

A mother stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES it when I wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there ever so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
 

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."  The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would recommend it very highly. 

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know... The one that's red and has thorns." 

"Do you mean a rose?" 

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.  He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!" "Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a  parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and  give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."  
 

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

It is just before England v. Brazil at the World Cup. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important, but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself, and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)." He's beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now-let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium - Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Owen 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it-he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes..."
 

A woman went in to a fishing tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She didn't know which one to get, so she just grabbed one and walked
over to the counter where the salesman was standing, wearing dark sun glasses. She said, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He said, "I'm sorry Madam, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
 
As she opened her purse, her credit card dropped on the floor.  "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he said.
 
As the lady bent down to pick up the card, she accidentally passed wind. At first she was really embarrassed but then realized that there was no way the blind salesman could tell it was her who had done it.

The man rang up the sale and said, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
 

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands  He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.  This goes on for 5 nights.  On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia . - " Melbourne ", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I. What street?" "Cameo Street " he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN


President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."